To Love But Not To Hold

Don’t you think it is funny, so few words can mean so much to some people. There are a lot of people, and most of them I knew personally, can proudly say that to me, however my question is; how many of us out there can proudly DO what the title stated? Sadly among my contacts of friends, I can name only one person who is able to do just that.

I have some friends who drool over their past relationship on the things they have done; regretting of doing something and regretting of not doing other things. Nonetheless, I am one of them. Many relationships that I have known of were ended by misunderstandings and impulsive decisions in an argument. No matter how much they love each other, things have to come to an end. And after that, they begin to regret their behaviors and decisions made in the relationship. To a certain extend, some of them could not forget their ex even though they are with someone else. I do not blame this people for that particular feeling because feelings cannot be explained by mere words. On the other hand, is it fair for your current partner that you still have feelings for the ex?

There are some people who hold on to these feelings, so tightly of which indirectly makes it an attachment; an attachment that eventual leads to undue stress and pressures in one life. It is very confusing matter no matter how much one may try to forget it. This is because, it all boils down to the attachment on these past feelings; feelings that should have ended long time ago.

Some might disagree with me in ending feelings, but by ending old feelings only new feelings can come into one life. Put it in another way, when we are free from attachments, we will appreciate what we have right now. As a Chinese proverb goes, ‘Able to lift it, Able to let go’. A friend of mine once said, “How can someone discard feelings when they still hold on to those memories of being together?”

It is difficult for many of us, including myself, to forget those ‘silly little things’ our ex did that made us laugh, frown and tear. Bare in mind, these ‘silly little things’ are just memories and should not be dealt with feelings. When we discard these old feelings, then we are able to gain new feelings on those who we are with now. There are some who I personally know were unable to discard these old feelings, so much so they begin to evaluate their current partners to their ex. And a majority of them are discontented with their current relationship because it did not live up to their expectations, comparing to their past relationships.

Do not take my words for it, judge it by yourself. These feelings are indeed confusing, I myself took sometime to realize, that these feelings need to go or else the new would never come. Forlornly, it is not easy to discard feelings, especially something intimate.

Ask yourself, why do you still harbor these feelings? Is it right or wrong to hold these feelings despite being with someone else? Is it fair to your current partner for not giving them a chance to show and develop new feelings with them? Doesn’t your current partner should feel appreciated for doing their own ‘silly little things’?

“It’s true you don't know what you got until it’s gone, it’s also true you don't know what you've been missing until it arrives.”

I may be right, and I too, may be wrong, but, “WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON”

Bottom line, appreciate what you have; the past is gone, the future is yet to come, the present is the most important as that is what we have now.


~~~Dedicated to special someone~~~

I Am Drunk

Before you continue the following, read this first. By the way, I was sober at the point of time though I had a couple of mugs of beer and plenty of cigarettes. The bottom line, I was sober when it happened.

It all happened approximately 2 years ago, it was the usual night ritual of yum cha session with HL but that day (sorry me have low memory, me forgot day and date) was different. You see, G was with us that day and instead of yum cha, we headed towards HL’s club for some beers at G request. As an idiot and knowing I have super bad allergy to beer, I went along. It took us no longer than 10 minutes to reach the club, consider it normal time taken for the amount of speeding we did, we were young back then, you can’t blame HL for going fast.

Once there, HL and I debated over the location of the seat we will be seating at. It took no more than 30 seconds before we finally chose the best spot, the freaking usual table that both of us always seat; unless it is taken. After settling down, we quickly ordered a jug of beer, some crackers and peanuts at HL expense. Sometimes I got to give some credit to my ‘hing tais’ for being such a marvelous people and I have loads of free beer from HL.

That momentous day we went for beer because G was facing a problem, I mean some problems. Trust me it was complicated and messy situation if I would to write it in fine detail. In short, G was facing some relationship problems and that’s about it, relationship problems.To make things less complicated, I had pretty strong feelings for her and she knows it but denies it. Besides that, G and HL got a thing going on of which I knew long time ago and most of the time make me feel very uncomfortable with both of them because I feel like a spot light and they also denies that thing going on with them. Finally, she was facing a recent break up with the ex boyfriend. With so many problems, it is understandable she want to forget it using the influence of alcohol, beer was the choice for that fateful day. Warning to children out there, alcohol was and is never the choice of things to consume or use to forget something. The only thing you get out of it is bad hang over.

Back to the main topic

The weird thing about the whole event was, G was not a good drinker, let alone she hardly even drink for that matter of fact. It took mere seconds after her first sip of the beer for her face to turn red; red not as in the colour red, red as in very dark blood red. It took another few more sips of the beer for her whole neck upwards to be shockingly red. And finally after drinking down half the mug, her hands begin to turn red too and it was a freaking scary sight, almost made me scared that she might pass out any moment. By the time she drank the half mug, both HL and I were almost done with out own and begin to poke fun on G’s redness.

Oh well, she did not finish the whole mug, ending up, I have to drink what left of her mug of which I regret dearly the very next day. After another jug of beer, we sent G home, approximately 35 minutes away. That night, I slept over at HL place like I always do since the week we knew each other.

The next morning was an unmemorable moment…bad rashes all over (T_T)

And that was when i turned RED

Who Am I to Love Someone

Love definitely gives someone a very nice and warm feeling when they are in love, at least for the first few months before things go dry. A bold conclusion I got to say that was, before you judge me, know this, I have been there and done that.

It was on the 9th of November 2004 at 7.10 pm when she finally say ‘yes’ when I asked her over the phone. Shortly after that it rained heavily of which I took it as a great sign that the heavens were tearing of joy. On 27th January 2006, it was the last time I say her and a week and the half after that we broke up over the phone. Ironically, that very day, my mom invited her friends over for dinner gathering and I drank as if there was no tomorrow.

The closest hing tai of mine was there for me, though it lasted only a week or so before I left for the second Aussie adventure. He is also the one who almost ask me to find a new girlfriend and constantly showing me potential candidates for that position. Sadly, I rejected his offer, either directly or indirectly. This friend of mine in reply will ask me not to be so choosy. I always want to tell him how I really feel when he pops the ‘girlfriend’ topic. I am not choosy or even close being choosy, I know who I am and I know my limits. Who am I to choose someone when I do not have the ability to be chosen?

Since the last relationship, I am ashamed of myself; embarrassed of what I had become, humiliated my principles of which I hold dearly and disgraced my parents.

I became someone that I, myself, was even afraid to look at it in the eye. My anger during the final months of the relationship was a major concern by the people around me. My friend’s ex even told me to control my temperament of which she have never seen it coming from me. I was surprise to become someone or something so scary when the rest of my known world knows that I am a fairly nice guy. Principles that I uphold from the realization of my learning in the religion I chose was flushed down the drain. When I was with her, I put myself so low until I snapped. I disregarded my family, friends and people around me. When people say, it does not matter if you talk to a girl, trust me, it does when you have a girlfriend who do not questions your loyalty. For 10 months in my life (1st Aussie adventure), I have never felt so alone before, so afraid that she will be angry if I talked to another girl. Besides that, I use a lot of curse words or bad words in conversations, but to me they are just words and do not mean anything especially when I am talking to close buddies. I felt so control and I have no one to talk, no one to share the pain within.

We finally broke up early this year, it was painful but it was also worth it. She finds it hard to be with me because of the pressures she had from her parents. Though I still love her at the time we broke up, but I guess it was the best for the both of us as this relationship was going no where.

Not too long ago, I had several wonderful chats with honey up to a point we even talked about our marriage and the best part was, we have not dated a single day. About 3 weeks ago I asked her the question and her reply was too depressing. I knew she is trying not to hurt me by not rejecting me right in the face. All I can say, it was my bad for not giving her a sense of security.

I knew honey for a good 6 years or so and during that time frame I get to know her better, intimate I got to say. I did not fall for her on the first sight neither did I liked her for what she does. The feeling I had for her was different compared to the ex. I love my ex because of what she does, and we broke up because I handle the pressure of dealing who she is. On the other hand, I like honey for who she is which in turn I like what she does. It was a total different feeling, yet it confuses me. Depressingly, she rejected me not too long ago.

I always have a phobia asking girls out or confessing my feelings; the phobia of rejection. I am short, fat, ugly and smokes like a chimney. With these characteristics, who am I to ask a girl that I like to like me in return, to hold hands as a couple and to kiss passionately. Almost always, those girls that I like will become people who I am close with. So close that I am the person they will turn to complain about their relationships, family and work. In short, I am all nothing but just a friend, always was, always will and always will be.

If you love them for what they do, then you may not love them if they don't do what you want or expect of them. But if you love who they are, it doesn't matter what they do, for you love them beyond their behavior. -- John-Roger

The girl that I once love has nightmares because of my failure to comply with her needs in the relationship. The girl I like now has phobia committing to a relationship because of my failure to give her a confident feeling in me.

Sorry people for the lack of update. I am trying to write a story using the elements of my life expreriance and also the people I came across with.

Be warned, the story I am about to post consist of the elements of triad. So it may be sensitive to some, please do not flame me for doing it in this way.

Wish me luck

Just A Thought

Do not try to become anything.
Do not make yourself into anything.
Do not be a meditator.
Do not become enlightened.
When you sit, let it be.
When you walk, let it be.
Grasp at nothing.
Resist nothing.

~~~Ajahn Chah~~~


How many of us can actually do and be nothing?
How many of us actually say no to power, fame and money?

There is so many things to do, yet there are nothing to hold on to ~sigh~