I Don't Know

Is it weird to have dinner with someone you only knew for merely 2 days and suddenly it hit you so hard; so hard that you fallen head over heels for that one person. Well, I did.

The reason? I don’t know.

Honestly she is not that pretty, very slim, in fact as tall as me, really smart and crude is certain manner; at times I feel so inferior. Put aside personal preferences, it is beyond that. It is somewhat way above the league. But then, those are negotiable, the important thing is, I choose to accept it.

Hardly slept yesterday, my thoughts basically gone wild. The conclusion to everything is and perhaps still is I DON’T KNOW

You told me a lot of things and most of it being mentioned over numerous occasions. Conceivably something you hold dearly is the freedom you have now. Not being bound to whoever except your parents, to a certain extent your sibling. Being in a relationship changes this. For your information, you are not bound to tell/inform me where you are or what you do, of course unless asked, even so you can choose not to tell. Often so I tell you my activities and this only happens after we agreed to chat either online or over the phone. I have no intentions of reporting to you. Somehow, I felt you get it a different way; I don’t know why neither did I ask.

Then there was once, after our so-called “argument”, you told me to give you time, and I agreed. Deep down inside, I wished the time could just fly by, but it did not. If you could tell me how much time you need, that will be great, but you can’t. Just how long does it going to take, till you are 80 or when I am 79? I honestly do not know what to do, can someone (divine being preferred) out there tell me how. Over and over again, people tell me to take it easy, do something she likes, make her feel you understand her in every aspect. Yeah right, how am I going to do that? Scale the fortress? Being nice (I know it is just plain weak but that what I do best, I think)? I don’t know!

Couple of weeks ago, I begin saying those 3 words to you everyday over several times. Do these words means putting too much hope into someone? Does it mean asking someone to commit no matter what? I don’t know but I guess it somewhat does. Hope is what I got, but time and time again you got to rub it off and I will just keep trying. When I try, you will just kill me by saying, “Don’t try too hard”. No it do not mean in anyway I have slightly more chance, it only mean, I got rejected and better don’t put so much hope and try to convince me that you are the person I see so special about. Am I right? All I can do right now, is just hope and try till that one-day come by or it will never; I don’t know

Is it not confusing, moving in directions without knowing where to go. If you could only give me a clear direction or a clear answer. It is not like I did not ask, I did, and you just did not answer it.

I don’t know whether you feel it or not but there is this very huge wall in front of us, it is just there and I find it very difficult to climb or even scale it neither I don’t know what the wall is hiding beyond it. I don’t know why it is there and it is very difficult to go through it no matter how I try. Perhaps there is a door but till then, I have to keep searching ways go get to the other side.