Something I hate myself for

There are certain things I just can’t get it right. No matter how someone tried to construct his or her point of view across, I just don’t get it. The clues, the hints, the important words, they don’t make sense to me until it was told in a very direct manner.

There is this girl I’ve met about 5 weeks ago, we went out for dinner a few times and chatted a lot. Some casual and some may perhaps be too private. It is just weird, how blunt I could be, less than a week since I met her, I got to say the worse thing ever that perhaps scared her a little – or may be a lot.

And there I was, being something I am so use too; being nice. Obviously it contradicts to everything that experts teach losers like me to get a date. Beside that sad fact, the worse of all, I am no sweet talker, way below average Joe, superbly out of every girl’s perfect guy and don’t even mention my lifestyle.

One great Saturday, we went out for lunch, movie and shopping. It was a good day, well for me at least. The whole time with her, I felt different, something of which did not experience for a long time; that very feeling longed for. I really wanted to hold her hands but all I could do was just walked beside her because I was scared, scared it did not turn out.

Then came that day, we were chatting happily via messenger and I got to ruin it.

Yes, I only knew you for 5 weeks, you hardly knew me. You have no idea what type of person I am. You wanted your independence, your freedom and not to be tied down.

And yes, I don’t know what you’ve been through, I did not ask nor explore in it. At the same time, you have no idea what I’ve gone through.

I am totally hopeless when girls are sad, let alone when they are crying. You were crying the other day because you felt losing a friend, of which I am not worth it. All I can say that night was sorry, sorry and sorry.

If you were to ask how I feel now – it is how the vase looks like being thrown down at the 13^th floor and subsequently rolled by a stim roller

From the 5 weeks, I learned something very important, or may be not:

It is not how special that person is in your eyes, but how special you are in their eyes