Who Am I to Love Someone

Love definitely gives someone a very nice and warm feeling when they are in love, at least for the first few months before things go dry. A bold conclusion I got to say that was, before you judge me, know this, I have been there and done that.

It was on the 9th of November 2004 at 7.10 pm when she finally say ‘yes’ when I asked her over the phone. Shortly after that it rained heavily of which I took it as a great sign that the heavens were tearing of joy. On 27th January 2006, it was the last time I say her and a week and the half after that we broke up over the phone. Ironically, that very day, my mom invited her friends over for dinner gathering and I drank as if there was no tomorrow.

The closest hing tai of mine was there for me, though it lasted only a week or so before I left for the second Aussie adventure. He is also the one who almost ask me to find a new girlfriend and constantly showing me potential candidates for that position. Sadly, I rejected his offer, either directly or indirectly. This friend of mine in reply will ask me not to be so choosy. I always want to tell him how I really feel when he pops the ‘girlfriend’ topic. I am not choosy or even close being choosy, I know who I am and I know my limits. Who am I to choose someone when I do not have the ability to be chosen?

Since the last relationship, I am ashamed of myself; embarrassed of what I had become, humiliated my principles of which I hold dearly and disgraced my parents.

I became someone that I, myself, was even afraid to look at it in the eye. My anger during the final months of the relationship was a major concern by the people around me. My friend’s ex even told me to control my temperament of which she have never seen it coming from me. I was surprise to become someone or something so scary when the rest of my known world knows that I am a fairly nice guy. Principles that I uphold from the realization of my learning in the religion I chose was flushed down the drain. When I was with her, I put myself so low until I snapped. I disregarded my family, friends and people around me. When people say, it does not matter if you talk to a girl, trust me, it does when you have a girlfriend who do not questions your loyalty. For 10 months in my life (1st Aussie adventure), I have never felt so alone before, so afraid that she will be angry if I talked to another girl. Besides that, I use a lot of curse words or bad words in conversations, but to me they are just words and do not mean anything especially when I am talking to close buddies. I felt so control and I have no one to talk, no one to share the pain within.

We finally broke up early this year, it was painful but it was also worth it. She finds it hard to be with me because of the pressures she had from her parents. Though I still love her at the time we broke up, but I guess it was the best for the both of us as this relationship was going no where.

Not too long ago, I had several wonderful chats with honey up to a point we even talked about our marriage and the best part was, we have not dated a single day. About 3 weeks ago I asked her the question and her reply was too depressing. I knew she is trying not to hurt me by not rejecting me right in the face. All I can say, it was my bad for not giving her a sense of security.

I knew honey for a good 6 years or so and during that time frame I get to know her better, intimate I got to say. I did not fall for her on the first sight neither did I liked her for what she does. The feeling I had for her was different compared to the ex. I love my ex because of what she does, and we broke up because I handle the pressure of dealing who she is. On the other hand, I like honey for who she is which in turn I like what she does. It was a total different feeling, yet it confuses me. Depressingly, she rejected me not too long ago.

I always have a phobia asking girls out or confessing my feelings; the phobia of rejection. I am short, fat, ugly and smokes like a chimney. With these characteristics, who am I to ask a girl that I like to like me in return, to hold hands as a couple and to kiss passionately. Almost always, those girls that I like will become people who I am close with. So close that I am the person they will turn to complain about their relationships, family and work. In short, I am all nothing but just a friend, always was, always will and always will be.

If you love them for what they do, then you may not love them if they don't do what you want or expect of them. But if you love who they are, it doesn't matter what they do, for you love them beyond their behavior. -- John-Roger

The girl that I once love has nightmares because of my failure to comply with her needs in the relationship. The girl I like now has phobia committing to a relationship because of my failure to give her a confident feeling in me.