Thoughts Gone Wild

This is neither a feeling nor is it a liking or may be I am just wrong. Well, how should I begin in explaining my unguarded thoughts?

A couple of weeks ago HL forwarded me a friendster link of this girl he met in his class. Honestly, she is quite good looking, not really those I would call pretty or ‘chunted’ but above average if I have to rate. Seeing her picture through friendster did not spark my thoughts but it was a conversation with her that started all this nonsense.

A few days back, HL decides to add her into our conversation via the messenger. For unknown reason, my messenger repeatedly disconnect of which I grew very agitated off. Besides that, the lack of sleep in the recent months played a crucial factor in my impatient-ness to tolerate something.

2 days after that, I manage to chat with her. Our conversation was good, from my point of view of course, but little did I know she begin to somewhat dislikes me, and I definitely knows why. You see, I have been reading this sexual communicating thingy recently and decided to give it a try by applying ‘cocky and funny’ theory. And you guess it; it did not turn up well. Sincerely, I was really disappointed in myself to use that theory; all I can offer was being myself, of which I failed to do even that. I really wanted her to notice me, not as someone in her life but as me, to know of my existence that I am interested in her, not as someone.

The very next day, HL literally sounded me for being an idiot over the messenger. Yes without a doubt, I totally agree with him, I was an idiot who tries to create an image to a girl whom I do not know and not being myself, I deserve nothing more but condemnation. At that point, my thoughts went wild;

Every time I close my eyes, I think of her. Every time I do something, I think of her. Every time I check the messenger, I really hope it was her who messages me. To top that up, for the past few months I have not had a good night sleep. This issue just makes it worse.

Do not get me wrong, all my thoughts have nothing to do with sex what so ever. From my point of view, sex is not really important in a relationship, though there are a lot of people out there who disagrees with me. My thoughts revolved around, me being with her holding hands, cuddling on a chair and just plain talking intimately. At times, when I close my eyes, I think of being there with her in time of need as the one to assure her there is nothing to worry for. While at times, just being there to share the moment together.

Truthfully, I find it silly because my thoughts are almost exactly what all guys want to do with the girl they like or love. Sadly, I do not know what to do, how do I get rid of these thoughts which is pretty screwing with me?

The best part of it all, I have not met her and won’t that make it weird to actually fall for a person? Like Savage Garden puts it, “I knew I love you before I met you.”

These thoughts make me wanting to see her, wanting to know her and wanting to be with her and yet I have not met her.

I am so confuse…ish…ish…ish