Now I know

Finally found the answer....

...Life goes on....

Friends are we, but not now, perhaps later....

I Don't Know

Is it weird to have dinner with someone you only knew for merely 2 days and suddenly it hit you so hard; so hard that you fallen head over heels for that one person. Well, I did.

The reason? I don’t know.

Honestly she is not that pretty, very slim, in fact as tall as me, really smart and crude is certain manner; at times I feel so inferior. Put aside personal preferences, it is beyond that. It is somewhat way above the league. But then, those are negotiable, the important thing is, I choose to accept it.

Hardly slept yesterday, my thoughts basically gone wild. The conclusion to everything is and perhaps still is I DON’T KNOW

You told me a lot of things and most of it being mentioned over numerous occasions. Conceivably something you hold dearly is the freedom you have now. Not being bound to whoever except your parents, to a certain extent your sibling. Being in a relationship changes this. For your information, you are not bound to tell/inform me where you are or what you do, of course unless asked, even so you can choose not to tell. Often so I tell you my activities and this only happens after we agreed to chat either online or over the phone. I have no intentions of reporting to you. Somehow, I felt you get it a different way; I don’t know why neither did I ask.

Then there was once, after our so-called “argument”, you told me to give you time, and I agreed. Deep down inside, I wished the time could just fly by, but it did not. If you could tell me how much time you need, that will be great, but you can’t. Just how long does it going to take, till you are 80 or when I am 79? I honestly do not know what to do, can someone (divine being preferred) out there tell me how. Over and over again, people tell me to take it easy, do something she likes, make her feel you understand her in every aspect. Yeah right, how am I going to do that? Scale the fortress? Being nice (I know it is just plain weak but that what I do best, I think)? I don’t know!

Couple of weeks ago, I begin saying those 3 words to you everyday over several times. Do these words means putting too much hope into someone? Does it mean asking someone to commit no matter what? I don’t know but I guess it somewhat does. Hope is what I got, but time and time again you got to rub it off and I will just keep trying. When I try, you will just kill me by saying, “Don’t try too hard”. No it do not mean in anyway I have slightly more chance, it only mean, I got rejected and better don’t put so much hope and try to convince me that you are the person I see so special about. Am I right? All I can do right now, is just hope and try till that one-day come by or it will never; I don’t know

Is it not confusing, moving in directions without knowing where to go. If you could only give me a clear direction or a clear answer. It is not like I did not ask, I did, and you just did not answer it.

I don’t know whether you feel it or not but there is this very huge wall in front of us, it is just there and I find it very difficult to climb or even scale it neither I don’t know what the wall is hiding beyond it. I don’t know why it is there and it is very difficult to go through it no matter how I try. Perhaps there is a door but till then, I have to keep searching ways go get to the other side.

Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

Neil Gaiman


Oh well.....

Mood Swing

Some one out there please give me a slap~!!

Been feeling down all day since morning~~!!!

How nice it will be if I don't wake up at all~~~!!!!



I don't want to be your friend only, I wanted more

Something I hate myself for

There are certain things I just can’t get it right. No matter how someone tried to construct his or her point of view across, I just don’t get it. The clues, the hints, the important words, they don’t make sense to me until it was told in a very direct manner.

There is this girl I’ve met about 5 weeks ago, we went out for dinner a few times and chatted a lot. Some casual and some may perhaps be too private. It is just weird, how blunt I could be, less than a week since I met her, I got to say the worse thing ever that perhaps scared her a little – or may be a lot.

And there I was, being something I am so use too; being nice. Obviously it contradicts to everything that experts teach losers like me to get a date. Beside that sad fact, the worse of all, I am no sweet talker, way below average Joe, superbly out of every girl’s perfect guy and don’t even mention my lifestyle.

One great Saturday, we went out for lunch, movie and shopping. It was a good day, well for me at least. The whole time with her, I felt different, something of which did not experience for a long time; that very feeling longed for. I really wanted to hold her hands but all I could do was just walked beside her because I was scared, scared it did not turn out.

Then came that day, we were chatting happily via messenger and I got to ruin it.

Yes, I only knew you for 5 weeks, you hardly knew me. You have no idea what type of person I am. You wanted your independence, your freedom and not to be tied down.

And yes, I don’t know what you’ve been through, I did not ask nor explore in it. At the same time, you have no idea what I’ve gone through.

I am totally hopeless when girls are sad, let alone when they are crying. You were crying the other day because you felt losing a friend, of which I am not worth it. All I can say that night was sorry, sorry and sorry.

If you were to ask how I feel now – it is how the vase looks like being thrown down at the 13^th floor and subsequently rolled by a stim roller

From the 5 weeks, I learned something very important, or may be not:

It is not how special that person is in your eyes, but how special you are in their eyes

2nd e2e Awards

These awards are in no way official or even remotely worthy of serious consideration. All winners will (not) be notify asap~!

Best Film
--- My Name is Fame

Worst Film
--- We Are Family

Best PanAsia Film
--- The Host (Korea)

Biggest Disappointment Film
--- Confession of Pain

Best Male Performance
--- Lau Ching Wan (My Name is Fame)

Best Female Performance
--- Gong Li (Curse of the Golden Flower)

Best Supporting Male Performance
--- Francis Ng Chun Yu (Exiled)

Best Supporting Female Performance
--- Zhou Xun (The Banquet)

Funniest Performance
--- Jackie Chan (Rob-B-Hood)

Most Lovable Performance
--- Matthew Medvedev (Rob-B-Hood)

Best Action Design
--- Donnie Yen Ji Dan (Dragon Tiger Gate)

Biggest Waste of Space
--- Fiona Sit Hoi Kei (Love Undercover 3)

Most Annoying Performance
--- Daniel Wu (The Protégé)

Best Song
--- Jay Chou (‘HuoYuanjia’, Fearless)

9/11

Without a doubt 9/11 is a sad day in USA or perhaps the world over as thousand of men and women lost their lives through “planes crashing into buildings and open field”. That sad day was September the 11th. For me, 9/11 means a whole different chapter not in the known world or even in the USA but in my very own known world. Sad to say, it has nothing to do with September the 11th but it has something to do with 9th of November.

If memory serves me right, the very first time I saw her was during the tutorial class of Business Marketing somewhere in July. She sat only 2 places away from my left of which I totally did not realized of her existence. That very same tutorial, the lecturer made the class to get into groups of 4 for the major assignment. Coincidently, she was in my group. Consider me being extremely lucky, my group members consist of girls and making me the only guy, just imagine the amount of free riding I got.

It was not love at first sight, not even close to consider it as love in many sights. After several months, countless group discussions and immeasurable yum-cha sessions later, of course by outright fact even a barbarian like me can comprehend, I got close to her. We begin talking about everyday issues about our studies, other assignments, siblings and many other topics of which I could not recall. It was then when I realized I was attracted to her. Her smile, her energetic behaviors and her soft-spoken ways of which I totally so addicted too.

One night, while having a yum-cha session in OneStation near with her along with my close friend, having many drinks that wont make a baby drunk. That night we played many games ranging from Big 2 to the “Uno Staco” looking game. The best part of it all, the loser of every round will be punished as per-mentioned before the round commenced. The very last game, the loser must kiss the opposite sex at a designated spot mentioned by the winner. Guess what, I was the last loser, and as a punishment I were to kiss her forehand of which I did. Yes I was happy but I wanted more.

About a month later,

It was on that day, 9th November; the very same day we have our first exam paper. It was on that day that I confess my feelings towards her. Trust me; believe the power of the house phone. The time was 7.10pm when she finally said YES. Though the relationship lasted for 1 ½ years, for 11 months I did not get to see her due to long distance study commitment. To keep it short, one in Sydney, the other in Adelaide. Without fail, I would call her almost everyday; sometimes it may last for several hours, other times no more than 10 minutes.

As everything beautiful comes to an end, so does this wonderful relationship of ours. As how it begins with a phone conversation, it ended with a phone conversation.

On this day, 2 years ago, I got together with the very first girl I introduce to people as my girlfriend, my first love.