The Lost Chance

“It had been 3 years since the last time I met up with GMT. 3 years since I last saw her face. 3 years since I last hear her voice. 3 years since the last time I touched her.”

How nostalgic it was chatting, with a girl who you once like, over the internet. 3 years seems to be short considering the fact what happened in that 3 years (met 2 new ‘hing tai’, a girl called you ‘hing tai’ for no other particular reason and of course got together wit Lwn). Strangely, I kind of miss her right now, those memories and things we been through just refuse to leave the crappy brain.

It all begins 6 years ago;
I was the new kid on the block, the very block which packed with the upper class students of the school with a minimum entrance of achieving 75% average in the year end examinations. Being an idiot as ever, I chose the science stream as a course for the next 2 years of study. All my close buddies chose the arts, whom all of us were from the below average classes.

It didn’t take long for me to meet new friends; soon I was comfortable being the upper class people (the fact that it is totally the opposite). Everything is new to me over here, chemistry, physics, additional math, calculator and really smart people. In less than 2 months, the first term test arrived. Surprisingly I faired pretty well for the exams, I was placed dead 1st in the class (read: last). I managed to fail 7 out of 9 subjects, what a record. No body, and I mean no body, did so well in the entire science stream as compared to me. Boy I was really surprise. The results made me famous; e2e was for the first time given its due recognition. Teachers started yelling my name as though my ears are not working.

This is when I first talked to GMT; she was the 1st (from the top) placing student with an average of, gosh it is really high. Almost everyday in school I would walk to her table and ask permission (read: forcefully) to copy her work. She usually wear a really big and thick glasses of which I am fond to make fun off, consequently all of her friends hated me for that.
Months later, her whole entire image changed, from nerdy look to a chick. It was mesmerizing site, a good inspiration to go school every single day without fail. She started skipping school, up until one point that even 10 days of school you would only see her, at most, twice. Her position in class started to slip to a realm almost reaching my standard (dead last). Guess what, we became really close, so close that people would mistaken us for being a couple.

Fast forward a year later.

College, what a wonderful place to advance your knowledge; clubbing, booze, loads of chicks. Oddly, I still keep in touch with GMT, though all her friends still do not like me. At least twice a month I would call her to go yum cha. I would go and fetch her from her house and wait outside until she comes out. For the record, the longest time of wait, 45 minutes (what to do, got soft spot for her).

Somewhere in August that year, it happened. She broke up with her bf and no one to turn to. Consider it being lucky, being on the right place and the right time. It begun as a short conversation about her relationship; slowly but surely, we begin to talk longer and longer, digging deeper and deeper into the problem. We became really close friends, she would call me and I would go and fetch her out. We have many wonderful long talks in mamaks, in the garden or even in my room (pls do not think wrongly). She did mention something to me of which the interpretation of it from my crappy brain was the totally opposite, “There are things which I know but it is better to pretend”. Sadly the only thing she ever treasured is the part I became her punching bag (for a few days).

I wanted to tell her how I really feel for her, but I chose silence. Maybe perhaps it was not the right time to tell her as she is still trying to stand on her own 2 feet. After all those shits happened to her, I can proudly say, I am always there for her. We hang out a lot, until her current bf appeared. She begins spending less time with me and more with him. She would go clubbing and disco with him rather than go yum cha with me. All my hopes shattered, instead of confessing what I felt, yet again, silence was the option.

It did not take long before she told me that the guy is her bf, being a friend, I sincerely wished them the best, though inside me was cursing like a mad dog. (It was me who was there with her when she wanted someone to accompany. It was me who lend an ear to her stories. It was me who spend almost every night comforting her. It was me who became her punching bag.) After some realization, I started to avoid her as much as possible; up to a point all my friends were asking where is she. After months being almost together in the mamaks, it just does not feel right to me. Loser I am, the feeling for her was kept until one fine night I decide to call her out.

As usual, we would talk about intimate stuffs. Then it slipped out of my mouth, I told her about the feeling inside. Her replied was, “There was a time that I was considering something, between a smoker and a guy who take pills (read: butt shaking dance stimulant)” .It was way too late for me, what is the use now, it is all gone. Things should be said there and then, but silence echoed through and thru. Regret is not an option anymore.

Fast forward to present

How unusual, today we chatted via messenger for really long, it brings back old fond memories that took place 3 years ago. There is still one thing to clarify which haunts me till this day. “Who is the smoker you are considering? Am I the smoker you are considering?” The answer was yes. If I could rewind 3 years ago, I would not have avoided her and confess my feeling. It is all too late now.

After some questioning and answering and of course with some lame crappy jokes of mine, the truth was finally revealed, why she chose her current bf over me. All she wanted at that time was fun and was not ready for a serious relationship. She wasn’t ready for another committed relationship. I was far too good, which in this case a negative thing.

In those 3 years, I would frequently remember all the events that had taken place with her. Savoring those memories was a satisfaction. Consider it as a blessing in disguise, not because of what had happened, I would not have met CX and HL who have always been there for me since Ngau and KC left for England and New Zealand respectively. And of course, meeting and getting together with Lwn, my first gf of which I used to love truly and dearly.

GhOsT if you are reading this, I wish you all the best and please do not keep silent about your feeling. Please do not be like me. A chance will not come again, once lost forever gone